Hey there,

There's a moment that happens in almost every coaching conversation when a leader realizes something about their own communication that changes everything.

It's the moment they see the gap between what they meant to convey and what their team actually experienced.

"Wait—that's how it's landing?"

The patterns we develop to protect ourselves—to soften our presence, to avoid being seen as "difficult"—often create the opposite effect of what we intend.

Here's the thing: your team isn't telling you everything.

Not because they don't trust you. Because the higher you rise, the harder it becomes for people to give you honest feedback. They're trying to protect you. They're trying to protect themselves. They're assuming you already know.

But you don't. None of us does.

Here's what I'm seeing—communication patterns that show up over and over in leaders at this level, quietly eroding the influence they've worked so hard to build.

Three Well-Intentioned Communication Patterns That Quietly Undermine Your Influence

1. Apologizing every time you ask for something

"I'm so sorry to ask this, but…"
"I know you're busy, but…"
"I hate to bother you with this…"

You think you're being considerate. Acknowledging their workload. Showing respect for their time.

But here's what research shows: When leaders apologize unnecessarily, they're perceived as "not confident, insecure, doubtful, and incompetent.​

Your team isn't thinking, She's so thoughtful. They're thinking, Does she not have the authority to ask me to do this?

Every apology before a request signals that asking things of your team is an imposition rather than a normal part of leading. And when you frame your requests this way, you're actually training your team to feel guilty about having boundaries.

What's actually happening: You're undermining your own authority while making it harder for your team to say no when they genuinely need to.

2. Hedging your language with qualifiers

"I just think we should…"
"I'm not an expert, but…"
"This might be wrong, but…"

​Research shows that women leaders are four times more likely to use what's called "out-of-power" language—qualifiers that soften their statements and minimize their expertise.​

You think you're staying humble. Inviting input. Avoiding coming across as a know-it-all.

But every "just" and "I think" and "maybe" makes your message sound tentative. It signals that you're surprised at yourself for having an opinion. Your team stops trusting your judgment—not because your judgment is wrong, but because you don't seem to trust it.

What's actually happening: You're training your team to second-guess every decision you make because you're second-guessing yourself out loud.

3. Softening every piece of feedback until the message gets lost

The "feedback sandwich" involves leading with praise and ending with praise, but with a small part addressing the actual issue.

​
The careful dance of "I noticed one tiny thing that maybe could possibly be improved…"
The elaborate explanations that bury what actually needs to change.

You think you're protecting their confidence. Being kind. Making feedback easier to receive.

​But recent research with over 28,000 employees found that psychological safety doesn't come from soft feedback—it comes from direct feedback that helps people learn and grow.​

When feedback is too soft or patronizing, it disproportionately harms development, especially for women leaders trying to grow their teams.

Your team isn't walking away feeling supported. They're walking away confused about what actually needs to change. And then they're surprised three months later when the issue still hasn't improved and you're frustrated.

What's actually happening: You're preventing growth while creating the conditions for future resentment—on both sides.

Why These Patterns Exist (And Why It's Not Your Fault)

​Women are almost twice as likely as men to be mistaken for being more junior than they are. You've learned—consciously or not—that being too direct, too certain, or too demanding gets you labeled as "difficult" or "aggressive."

So you've developed patterns to soften your presence. To make yourself more palatable. To prove you're not "that kind" of leader. The problem? These patterns worked when you were a peer. They don't work when you're the leader.

What You Can't See From the Inside

Here's what I know from working with leaders navigating these exact transitions:

You can intellectually understand that you're apologizing too much or hedging your language. You can even catch yourself doing it in the moment.

But knowing and changing are two entirely different things.

Because these patterns aren't just habits—they're protection mechanisms. They're tied to your identity as a "good" leader, a collaborative leader, someone who cares about people.

This is the work I do with leaders every day. Not just identifying what you can't see from the inside, but actually shifting the patterns that created them.

What's Possible When You Lead with Clarity

When you stop apologizing for leading, your team stops questioning whether you have the authority to lead them.

When you stop hedging your expertise, your team starts trusting your judgment.

When you give direct feedback, your team actually knows what to change—and they grow faster because of it.

You don't become "mean" or "difficult." You become clear. And clarity, it turns out, is one of the kindest things you can offer.

To your sustainable leadership,

Alli

P.S. If this resonated, hit reply and tell me: Which of these three patterns do you recognize in yourself? I read every response, and your answer might become the topic of a future newsletter.